I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
