I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
