we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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