So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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