your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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