The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
