is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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