i just wanna soil my oats bro
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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