well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
