Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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