just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
