you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
