just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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