were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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