I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
