another moral hangover. fuck.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
