If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
