i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
