So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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