Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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