Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
