It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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