So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
