my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
