My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
