I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
