sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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