have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
