I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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