So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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