I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
