just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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