he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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