What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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