Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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