nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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