I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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