my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
