you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Randomize
