You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
