Just cropdusted the office
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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