You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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