I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
