i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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