Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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