I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize