he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
