I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
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