Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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