when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
