Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
