I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
