literally had 100 drinks last night.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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