watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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